Resting Beats

Every heartbeat pounding in my ear gives way to my falling; faster, further.

Written by a Friend

"as a person i am constantly inspecting the glass which i always seem to expect surrounds me. upon closer inspection, i realize that it is merely my breath freezing and unfreezing. taste it, it's sweet. not only can i read minds but i see angels on rooftops. i suspect they're terrible. i'm not fit to be admired. peruse through the dusty books on your shelf and you might find my mantra. i demand you love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love me love e love me love eloe me loeve eme love me loveme loeve me leoeme eme loeve love me love me love eme love me loeve love me love me elove me loebe em oo vl."

--I absolutely ADORE this.

Character Foils

Some of the people I've met, or gotten to know this [school]year have made me really realize how much I don't like or can't stand some people, or maybe just certain characteristics found in many people I know. These people I've met are some of, at the risk of sounding cliche, the coolest people I can imagine. They're different. They don't care what people think. They aren't ignorant or intolerant, nor are they annoying in any way, shape, or form. They know how to have a good time, but also know when to be serious when needed. And I know I'm just listing good qualities, and I definitely could keep going, but really, these people put those qualities in sharp relief. They are the character foils of several people I've come to know, unfortunately for those several, because they don't stand a chance at standing up in any comparison to these "really cool people". I call them that because honestly, I don't know how else to describe them. I'm just really grateful that I've become friends with 'em, because it's making my senior year a hell of a lot better.

Eyes

I'm looking out the window at a city that has confined me for 17 years, and I notice how many lights there are. I know the amount has grown as I have through the years, and as each one twinkles with a jolt of electric light, I think of your eyes. Of all things to think of when I look out upon this industrially compounded farm city, I think of them. And just as I'm trapped in this town, I'm trapped in those eyes.

Four Years Ago

I stepped out of my car and joined a team that would become a family. I thought they were crazy, and I was right, but I became one of them.28 bibs, 112 safety pins, a few medals and awards, dozens of pairs of shoes, thousands of miles, and many a come and go of familiar faces brings me here, four years later, at the end of my journey through high school cross country.
My thought process going in was, hey! I get good times on the mile at Townsend, I should do cross country in high school! And so it began. I became accustomed to the closeness, the family-like quality to cross country. I got close to my teammates, and learned things about life that I think have shaped me into who I am now. I ran myself into the ground, quite literally, many a time, and I got up and did it again. For four years, I've been picking myself up off the ground and running all over southern California with my closest friends and faux family, cracking jokes, and learning things. The actual running is only a small part of the dynamic that kept me in the vicious cycle that is the sport. And when it comes down to it, that dynamic is almost something that can't be described in just one way. It's different for every single person, and great in each and every respect. I've met some of the most amazing people I know on this team, and I've learned some of the most important things about life and working as a team.
My point is that my seasons have come to a close, and it's the weirdest thing to think about. Today was my last high school cross country race ever. Last Saturday was the last race I would ever run with my girls. I still feel like I should be a freshman, and I still feel like I'll be coming back next year, to continue what has ultimately been my life for the past four years, but I'm not. I don't think it'll actually hit for a while, as most things of this sort, and until then I'll be in a sort of limbo.
The funny thing is that I always ask myself why the hell I joined, and why the hell I kept running through everything, but really, I sure as hell wouldn't give any of it up for the world.

Gold Star

Let me just stick it on your big fat forehead so it's out in the open.

2:56AM

The last time I checked the clock, it was 2:56.

I haven't looked at it since, but I know time has passed.

I'm laying in the dark, but I've been in the dark for so much longer than tonight.

Hands reach down for me and I decline them. I have to get up myself.

My eyes are wide open, and yet I can't see anything in front of me.

Your face comes through though, and it wouldn't matter if my eyes were open or closed.

Burning, ripping your way into my thoughts, igniting the dark.

The last time I checked the clock, it was 2:56.

I won't check it again.

Meet Me Across the Seas

I found your picture on a shelf in an antique store, and now I'm looking for more.

Mejor Update

Haven't updated much at all around here, or in that case anywhere else, in a while. And since it's 10:30pm, I feel like doing it and not sleeping, like always.

School is 4 weeks in, I'm a senior, I only have three academic classes, but two are AP. I can start applying to cal states TOMORROW (oh my god) and I'm taking a second SAT in less than two weeks. I already have senioritus, and I can't wait to graduate. But I'm sad cause I'll be the one leaving people this time, unlike last year. It's so weird to think that I'm starting the rest of my life, and yet I'm only 16. Granted I'll be 17 when I graduate, but I'm still trying to get my head around it.

Cross country is in full swing as usual for this time of the season, and we had our first league meet yesterday. I'm feeling great, which is unusual because I usually feel better towards the end of the season. Let's hope this isn't early peaking. Our team is young and new, and we're doing awesome for it being so. The girls are doing awesome, even if a couple pretty much hyperventilate (cough, GABLE, cough) before each race. I'm excited for them because they're going to be beastly if they stick with it. Being captain with Alex is really fun, cause we're PICs. Bergmann didn't know what he was getting himself into when he made us both captain, haha.

I think I've finally begun to find myself within all the chaos that is my mind, and it's really good for me. I'm content. Of course I still think too much, and I'm still a bit lost at sea, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was last year. HELL of a lot better. I'm making changes to stay the same, if that makes any sense at all.

Still not happy with my home life. It's not like I have a horrible home life either; my parents are still married, don't fight, feed me, keep a roof over my head, and all of that. I have it really good compared to a lot of people. I just detest being home. I find any reason to be out of the house, at someone else's house, or just anywhere. I can't exactly pinpoint why though. My mom is definitely part of it. And my sister, because she's just like my mom. My dad isn't home all day, so he doesn't see where I'm coming from. I've always had this problem with my mom though. I remember being at least 6 and having to have my dad have us talk about things. It's still exactly the same. My dad says it'll probably be better when I go to college and I agree. If I'm not around her, we get along.

In other news, Paramore's new CD, Brand New Eyes, is out, and I absolutely love it. I think their album was the first one I was really excited about coming out this year. C'mon MCR, I'm waiting for yours now haha. Music's been a huge part of my life, more and more lately, and I'm going to start trying to be more patient with learning to actually play things (on guitar and piano) because I really would love to be able to do so.

My art and photography have been at a sort of stand still lately, mostly because of school, and the fact that inspiration has been sort of lacking for the past while. And of course, when I get any sort of inspiration, either I'm away from my camera or pen and pencil, or I just can't do anything about it because I don't have anything to do it with. Gonna get back on it though, those things are my anti-depressants.

I haven't been to the beach in way too long, and I need to go, because I miss going almost every week. I need my sand, waves, board, friends, and Albertson's fix.

Don't have much more to say tonight, so I'm going to go lay in bed and think about sleeping. Doubtful though.

Countdown

"Ten seconds left until midnight
nine chances to drown ourselves in black hair dye
eight faces turned away from the shock
seven windows and
six of them were locked
five stories falling
forever and ever
three cheers to the mirror
now there are two of us
can we have one last dance?"

--Jet Black New Year

THURSDAY

Hang Me Out to Dry

The drought this summer finally replenished itself in my life.

In the Presence of a Giant

Change is coming. I don't know if I like it or not. I guess we'll find out.

For now, it's back to the same old routine. Which I do not like.

Hence the change.

Shadows

We're just shadows on the wall, but would you catch us if you knew that we could fall?

Lethal Injection

These are your last words on death row, what are they going to think about you now?

Not that it makes a difference to you; you're already six feet under.

Your memory is left behind, and those words are what you set yourself on.

A guillotine of self destruction, or a pedestal of redemption.

Fall off, rise up; you're still stuck in the ground.

Warzone

Confliction and forbidden thoughts
They cross paths and like missiles turn to eachother
All intentions in destroying the other
But instead they freeze and fall
Freefall
Into the blue of open, unconscious eyes
Where they blink and are suddenly aware

Old Blog, Cropped.

There's light and dark. But if you're living in the light all of the time, you can't stand the dark. You can't understand it. And sometimes, it's clearer than the light. In the dark there's truth, because you can't see. You have to believe to see. When you're in the light, you see to believe. You're surrounded by facades and fakes, and at times, there's a lack of knowing if there's truth or deceit. Darkness opens up a knew portal to perception. Truth. And in this way, my perspective has changed. I lived in the light, not daring to stray, and because of that I didn't feel comfortable being me. I felt lonely. And now I've discovered this 'dark' place. But for being dark, it should be an oxymoron. Because yes, it can be sad; it can be scary. But that's life. It's no hiding, and showing your face as who YOU are. Not who you want to be, or who you pretend to be. With knowledge comes sorrow, but also the choice to find more than the sorrow.

Shooomp

Hi, I'm the real world and I just snatched away all of your happiness.

Arrogance

Keeping in mind that you're this much better, let me climb to where you are and take in the weather,

cause where I am is desolate and dry, and where you are there's much

clearer sky,

I have faults and cracks where I reside, and up in your view there's many a

tide,

I can't spy a star, can't see a thing, and high on your perch my world is just a ring,

you could step on me with ease, could blast me to my knees,

a higher power you stand, with I grasped in your crushing hand,

I'll strike a deal that you'll consider but repeal,

and your power will destroy me, but in the end, also destroy thee.

Further We'll Spread Apart

Slowly, as you get closer together, I'll slowly wish we were never apart,

and softly as you whisper to her, I'll softly answer what I'm not supposed to,

and love is what you'll give to her, and I'll love you when I shouldn't,

and even though you say it won't, I don't think I will concur,

for time's a clock hand spinning round a roughly designed measurement

gauging what's gone and distanced,

and all the times that you were wrong.

Refined

In the eyes of a blind man, everything is the same.

In the ears of a deaf man, everything is silent.

In the mouth of a mute man, everything is spoken to him and nothing expressed back.

In the senses of a man with full use of senses, the world is a different place.

He can see difference, hear argument, speak his opinion easily. He can more easily judge.

Losing a sense could really help some people.

In 3 Hours

One of my best friends and one of the most influential people in my life will be aboard a plane on her way to an amazing future.

It's insane to think about, knowing I'm only going to get to see her on holidays and there will be no crazy adventures for the most part. I didn't think I was going to cry today, and I thought if I did, it was because other people were crying. I cried, and not because others were crying.

Chloe Jillian Daniela Staab, you have been and become my best friend and 'mama', and I will never forget you. There's no way anyone could.

We Are the Dreamt

We are the dreamt

We are the fiber of the globe

We are the survivors and victims

We are controlled

We are the visualized

We can't keep up

We drift

We fall

We are blindly mistaken

We don't know who we are

We wear masks

We are rules often broken

We are the crashing waves

We are schemers

We are the experiments

We are the sacrificed and revitalized

We are flaws

We are the wholes and halves and fourths

We are the thought

We are the lies and truths

We are the exposed

We are the condemned

We are liberation

We are a race

We aren't the only ones.

"You're Like A Black Cat with a Black Backpack Full of Fireworks...

and you're going to burn the city down right now."

This summer is starting out AMAZINGLY. Beach 3 times already, hanging out with friends almost everyday, finishing up my new room, new phone, new music, sun-bleached hair, tanned skin, and freedom. The only downside is that I think I've had sand in my hair the whole time since the first day I went to the beach, because of the consistency of beach trips.

I'm ready for more.

NightOwl

or insomniac?

Hoot hoot.

Hit Me, I Explode

The 1974 Ford Pinto Wagon. Avocado Green. 20,000 miles, and $2800. So ugly it's cute.

It has a reputation for blowing up when rear-ended, but I recently researched and it was more so the hatchbacks that did this, not the wagons.

Awesome? I think so.

Up Front and Off Center

Up front is what you're not being.

The philosophy of this situation is off center.

So get off your defensive high horse, because no one is chasing you.

The end of the year should be everything that it is not right now.

We've got but a few weeks with you, so stop. All we want to do is understand.

Paris, London

Winter, 2009-2010, I'm hoping I will be in Paris, France, and London, England, with friends and a nice camera.
New Years Eve in Paris, New Years Day in London.
These are the kind of things that get me pumped and excited for the rest of the year.

Dear World,

You keep spinning, and I'm getting dizzy.

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

--Paul Laurence Dunbar

Follow the Leader

If I stand for you, will you stand for me?

And if I fall will you stay standing?

If I run away, will you follow me?

And if I turn around will you turn with me?

I can't do it on my own, and you've got the will to sacrifice,

so keep the blood coming,

cause it's thicker than water,

and water's all we've got to put out this fire.

19 Days

Late nights. Footprints in the sand. Clothes smelling like bonfires from nights before. Spontaneous plans, and things that have been planned forever. Movie nights, game nights. Running with the rise of the sun. Skimming down the beach without a worry. Walking around the city at night. Pool parties and barbecues. Shorts and tank-tops. Road trips. Summer songs. Sunglasses. The smell of sunscreen. Tan lines. Driving with the top down. Salt and Sand. Freedom. Sleepovers. Concerts. Rolling down hills in the grass. Being with friends all of the time. Taking pictures and developing film. Growing up. Meeting new people. Flings. Laughing until oxygen is hard to find. Projects. Counting down til senior year. Adventures. Unknowns.

Summer.

Complete Calm

I went to the beach today, and went out too far.
The rip tide sucked me out, and the waves were breaking past me.
I wasn't scared.
I swam towards shore and was caught by the life guard, telling me only to go waist deep next time.
I'd do it again.
I felt at home, and I felt no danger.

I haven't felt really, honestly at home in a while.

And It Seems to Just Come Back

Every time I think I'm fine.

So you turn the radio up louder so you can't hear it.

You drive a little faster so the wind blows it away.

You run from it so you don't have to deal with it.

You don't open the envelope so you can say you didn't see it.

You delete it so it doesn't look like you said it.

You justify actions so you don't have to take the responsibility for them.

But it's still there. It's all still sitting there, waiting for you to quit taking the backseat and to take the dive into what you need to.

So Relevant

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...

--Boston, by Augustana

Not much more to say. I'm just tired. Wake me up please. But wake me up when summer starts. Not now.

Keep Pushing Me Down

'Cause I need it.

I need to be able to get up by myself.

1973

Polaroid SX-70

Circle in Orange, here I come for $56 dollars of antique amazingness.

Miles and Miles

I am, quite literally, running myself into the ground.

I'm Not Liking

Thinking about college. 

I don't like to think about school period lately actually. Every time I think of it I feel degraded and disappointed in myself. And I am. I could do so much better, and I know it. There's something blocking me. And it's myself.

Empty Void

Within the cave of my chest,

the rib cage provides shelter, 

for something with nothing, 

a heart with a beat,

and something to beat for, 

but no one,

no one to race for, 

anxiety provokes that empty void,

as does excitement,

but without letting you in, there is no me to be let out,

no me to be acquired, 

only seen and judged,

a body,

a zombie, 

a heartless void,

until you caught my eyes,

when there was an electric current that can't be described,

only a lightning bolt or open circuit could know the feeling,

Locked in,

I'm still there,

Stationary as you move with your life,

as I do move, I don't,

I move around myself,

around you, 

the knowledge that you may or may not know me full well,

and the day when my heart becomes more than a half house for 'half way there's,

Lonely, empty, and translucent.

Annotation

Once again, close reading becomes the dictator of the next two days of my life. Amusing Ourselves to Death is a good book, but Neil Postman is a hypocrite (credit to Kenny), and he needs to shut up and write something that is easy to annotate.

And then after that, it's on to Frederick Douglass, more commonly known as FredDoug thanks to Cece. 100 pages of pure close reading glee. 

I need new highlighters. Mine are running low on ink. 

Old Arizona Trip

A random motel in Flagstaff. This was a while ago, but I just found these pictures again and laughed. Apparently aliens are welcome. :D

Absence or the Latter

Dark is the absence of Light. 

Fear the absence of Courage.

Or is it the other way around?

Light the absence of Dark.

Courage the absence of Fear.

It could be argued either way. 

20 Things to Do Before I Graduate [Goals]

1. Learn at least 10 songs on guitar.

2. Go snowboarding at least a few times.

3. Get my license-Get a car. (Jeep or Honda Fit!)

4. Get back into soccer.

5. Get above a 4.0 in the each of the next 3 semesters.

6. Go sky-diving.

7. Get accepted to a good college.

8. Learn to surf.

9. Take a road trip with friends.

10. Get a job I like.

11. Go to a My Chemical Romance concert.

12. Go to a bunch of small venue concerts.

13. Spend the night at the beach.

14. Sleep under the stars with someone.

15. Sing GOOD karaoke haha.

16. Make an AMAZING pie with Brian.

17. Meet someone from a different school.

18. Paint, draw, and photograph consistently.

19. Save enough money for a good camera.

20. Learn to love running again.

I like these. I'll probably think of more later.

Acid Rain

Not really.
But the way I feel today it might as well be.

I Told You I Had Flowers In My Coke Bottle

Materialistic Ideals

Of course I would be wanting to alter my image when I have a lack of money.

Possible new hair:

Possible new oufit:

(the red shoes are a bit outrageous, but I like 'em)

This post was completely pointless, but I'm home babysitting my sister on valentines day and I found it appealing. Hoorah for materialistic wants.

Stop, the First One to Hit the Clock Wins

Your eyes are like a kaleidoscope 

Changing colors and shapes with every turn and every glance

I can't stand it 

And I can't get enough of it

The changes intrigue me

And with every look you give me

I find myself at a loss for breath 

Cause I just can't find the reasons for the shifts that occur

And through the confusion

I know that you're still the one that can find me

through those kaleidoscope eyes

It's Never Easy to Say Goodbye, But it's Better Than Never Having Said Hello

For friendships to pass, and friendships to extend, I'm glad I said hello, because goodbye, although somber, will be an act of sincerity.

And it won't be a goodbye. It'll be a see you later, we'll catch up. Because I could never say goodbye to such great friends. After you're gone, you'll still linger in songs, in memories, and in laughs.

So hello, to a see you later.

Marked

With the Scarlet Letter.

My eyes burn from looking at the pages for SO LONG.

But I figured that if I take 3 minutes per page for 203 pages(that's all of them, I've done more), it will take me 10 hours and 6 minutes to complete this abomination of a book. (Well it's actually pretty good. Better than Billy Budd in EVERY respect). So I'm planning on doing 5-6 hours today, and then 4-5 hours tomorrow. 

I shall prevail. 

shootme.

Not Using "You" in General

I could give you EVERY reason in the world to hate me. I could be the most horrible person I possibly could manage to be to you. And you would STILL be head over heels for me. 

I could say I'm sorry. But I'd rather not. I'd rather say that what's happening is better for both of us. Don't keep reaching for me; don't put anything in your life on hold because you're waiting for me. I'm running, and I'm going to be long gone. I'm already on my way there. I'm not coming back, and I don't want to be followed. I didn't want to burn any bridges this time. I still don't want to burn any, just for the sake of not starting a fire. But you don't get it. No matter how many times I say it, no matter how much I emphasize it, you do not get it. You might argue it. Some of your and my friends may argue it. Argue away. It's hurting you, it's hurting me, and it's doing no good in our friendship. 

I didn't open the box. I didn't open it because you were inside and I don't want to face you. I didn't open it because I would have cried, and I would really rather not. But mostly, I didn't open the box because I am scared of what's going to happen to our friendship. I know that leaving you there probably didn't do much good either, but for me and the sake of my self-control, it was the lesser of the two evils. I do need to talk to you. But the pressure's been mounting and I don't want to explode. 

I know this is hard. It's just as hard for me. You might say heck no it's not, but you're not standing where I am are you? I need to be able to move, and be able to breath. Or else things aren't going to go anywhere. 

There's no denying. Things are going to get worse before they get better.

"It reaches in and tears your flesh apart As ice cold hands rip into your heart"-Skylines and Turnstiles; MCR

Erase and Restart

Semester ended today. Finals weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. I'm not happy with myself though. My grades are going to suck. My parents will be disappointed and that's worse than getting in trouble. 

But the positive is that I get a new semester, a clean slate, and another chance to prove to myself and others that I'm capable of getting good grades and using good work habits. Time to break expectations.

I'll have a new room soon, which may not seem big, but it's a complete organization process and a good change that I need. 

Time for bad news: I suffer from panic attacks//anxiety. Greaaaat. Explains a lot.

I just got back from HB with some of the most awesome people I know. Lots of fun. Lots of laughing. Lots of fire. Lots of food. It was a good way to start the weekend. Which is another 3 day weekend, hoo rah for student free days.

Time for a Fresh Start

I'm surrounding myself with new things. 

New semester which I'll do well in, unlike this one which I walked lazily through.

New room, which means new organization and new perspective of where I live.

New President, which means new policies, new hope, new things to believe in. 

New attitude. Optimism will conquer. Pessimism will take a back seat.

But I'd like to keep some of the old.

Old Friends. The Best ones.

Dare

I'm keeping my eyes straight ahead.

Dare me to turn them.

Favorite Furniture

Are you scared to move me? Are you scared to let go? I was scared as hell, but I did it because I knew it couldn't ever be the same. And it isn't in the least. So why am I still there? Am I just a piece of furniture that you like to keep around to remember? Or is it the fear? I moved you out and away so I could deal with what was going on. That's how I got through. 

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that I'm still there; you're just not there for me.

"So Pull the Trigger

It never gets closer

You want to start over

But never start over"

ISO

Drench Myself in Gasoline

Let's set this place on Fire.

Give me what I need, Give me some fuel to drown myself in

Let me drench myself in gasoline

SET ME ON FIRE

Get me a match

SET ME ON FIRE

Keep it burning until I run out of light

SET ME ON FIRE

Set my World on Fire

I'm tired of these cold gray days

I'm sick of sitting in the rain

Set me on Fire

Set my World in Flames

Give me something to Control

and Something to Regain

Burn Down this outer wall

Desolate and Battered

Give me something to Rebuild

Burn down what Really Matters

Turn it all Black

And give it space to Grow

I promise the World won't be the same

Just give me Time to face it

I'll hide my face and stand alone

I'm here but I'm not at home

Give me Time

Give me Space

Give me Flames to interlace.