Etymology

I should be writing my etymology essay on the word narcotic. Screw it.

I should be concentrating. Not happening.

I shouldn't be writing this. I don't care.

But I'll finish what I've started. Because I can't go back.

I'm scared. Scared of what I'd say and how I'd feel afterwards. Afraid of a friendship that means so much in danger. Horrified of how to go about things. Fearful of the consequences, frightened of the result. 

It's like being scared of the dark. Not knowing what's around. Clumsily looking for something sturdy. Avoiding things that could strike fear in any way.

Or maybe it's like being scared of death. Not knowing what is going to happen. Having no proven idea of how things work out. Things can go straight to heaven, or straight to hell. It's all how you went about something. In death's case, it's life.

But this is only a part of life. So what are the consequences? Are they worth it? Or can I do something to save a friendship I hold close.

Copy Machines and Hiding My Face

Monochromatic and belligerent in ways

Jumping off Mind-Built bridges

Hitting the ice cold water below

and wishing the jump had never been conceived 

Hitting rock bottom for the chance to swim upward

To break expectations

For a challenge, for a pursuit of something more

Moronic right?

Maybe so, but worth while for the conqueror 

For the limitless spectrum of limits

Has been broken

Like the shattered glass of a mirror 

Punched with the angst of destruction

The bloody knuckles to subdue are nothing more than reminders

Scars for the audience who doubted

Consequences for the hearts overwork that resulted in dark circles under eyes

A facade is taken into consideration for purposes unknown to the outside

It is not seen 

It's felt, sensed, but nowhere near understood

Except by the wearer of the mask

Holding the reasons, the nuances behind the disguise

Pain isn't an expression wished to be seen

Sorrow isn't a feeling wanted to be expressed

Yes, the lying exterior hides these unwelcome terrors 

But the hole behind is growing wider and darker

With every attempt to stay hidden

The cover is slowly torn away

Skin is dissolved to reveal bones

Image is faded revealing depth

The sound of falling to the ground is ever present

Sleep is no longer required for nightmares to appear explicitly;

Black and satanic to every pointedly demoniacal detail.

The Reasons for Calloused Fingers

You Run and I'll Hide

I am done. 

Done with stupid drama, done with dealing with it, done with feeling bad, done with being told that I'm being harsh, done with ALL of it. 

I just want to go stand in the rain and scream. That sounds a little dramatic, but it would feel so good to just get that little bit of aggravation out. 

And it's not just the current 'K' situation. It's a lot more. 

It's my mom.

It's school.

It's a want.

It's an ongoing struggle.

It's a reach.

It's a step. 

It's my take on life.

It's an incompletion. 

It's a restraint.

It's a lot more "it's" than I am up to putting.

"They're your Last words on death row, 

What are they going to think about you now?"

--MORE lyrics in progress.

Dancing in Flames

I don't see how this is turning into something so huge. 

spreading wildfires.

Seeing you like this is hurting me.

burning me down.

It's taking me over; enveloping my thoughts.

not controlled.

I Hate it.

ruining personal property and valued things.

I just don't know anymore.

Theme

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

Do You Collect the Souls You've Lost in the Top of Your Dresser Drawer?

I don't sleep enough. I came home and immediately took a nap today until I was rudely awakened for an ortho appointment. Stupid braces. Haha.

I think it may have a connection with my dreadful work habits. I am a professional procrastinator. I'm pretty sure of it. I should really ground myself from the computer and my phone until all my homework and everything I need to get done is completed. And even as I say this, I doubt that I will. Not good. I really need to shape up.

I'm feeling a little better. 

I'm feeling inspired to draw. I'm not sure what yet. But I'll probably start tonight. 

Because I don't sleep. Aha.

I'm going to start uploading more drawings to this, hopefully soon. Maybe some paintings too. I plan on getting some canvases and paints and just letting myself be creative with them. Maybe soon after my room is re-done. I'll have a "studio" haha. I can't wait though.

I also can't wait until December 13th. Magic Mountain time! I plan on riding ALL of the rollercoasters. Hah I wish. 

Tomorrow is Friday, thank the lord. I've never appreciated weekends so much. 

I'm rambling. Time to go draw.

Countdown to Christmas: 21 days :]

I Use the Word 'You' in General

I smile for you. I can't let you see me unhappy. Because if I'm not happy, I'm not Jenna. That's what it comes across as. Well dang it, I'm not happy, and I'm not putting on any more facades so you can feel comfortable. 

I just need someone new and understanding to talk to. A new perspective. Fresh personality. That may be asking for a lot, but if a miracle happens by chance, bring it on. Maybe you can make me smile. 

A real smile.

Space

Look up at the moon and see

you're looking at the same thing as me

I can't get out of this locked gaze

no, not just with the moon

but with you.

Indirectly you dissect me

with every word you write

not on paper

but in the cold air of the night

And although the pain is riddling my bones

I can't stop following you for I know you're right

Picking Up My Head

Just to get struck by lightning.

I'm disconnecting. Again. So is this what comes with figuring out who I am? This better as hell be worth it.

"And it all comes down to a shootout between your mind and me,

You keep your thoughts in the barrel of the gun and shoot me down with them when you're done.."--lyrics in progress.

P.S. I have a lot of lyrics in progress. 

        I should finish them aha.

Fog

It was a good thing this Saturday at the cross country state meet in Fresno. It kept me breathing and cool. It let me pass people and prove myself. To break expectations. 

And now, I can't see through the fog that surrounds me. It's not letting me breathe. It's not letting me prove myself or break expectations. It's keeping me from moving forward or even backwards. 

I can't get out. I need someone to blow away the fog. I have no idea who. I have no idea how. But I can't deal with much more of this. I'm falling faster and faster. I still can't see the ground. But it's coming; rocks and all. I need a parachute.

Inevitable Hanging

Tied around my neck like a noose just waiting to devour 

I can't let you pull me under

But you're so attractive in your eloquence

I can't see why it matters

Above or below, I'm still trapped

Mismatched faces and personalities arrange themselves in mazes 

I'm struggling to make it out alive

Scars will place themselves decisively on my body

But it only shows how far I've come

Keep me out 

Let me in

I'm going to stay the same person with only a different perspective

Opinions and facts mix and stumble

Deciphering is almost impossible

Inevitably you judge

Inevitably I walk away

Off the cliffs of your beachside resort

And I can't wait until I hit the lowly rocks and sand

It'll be more satisfying than levitating above the feeling of stable ground.

9th in the State

1st on our feet. Chino Hills girls cross country; this season is OURS.

Driving Emotions

Like driving a car, except you don't need a license. 

Changing lanes, but being careful not to hit anything or anyone else. 

Stopping at red lights. Going at green. Slowing down with the yellow.

Pausing at stop signs. 

Accelerating.

Breaking.

Pulling over.

Swerving.

Hydroplaning.

Skidding. 

Gliding.

My emotions are driving me over speed bumps less than subtly, have me hydroplaning over unknown territory, are causing me to pause when not necessary, and keep me pulling over for reassurance. They are accelerating me past things that no longer serve a purpose in my life, whether I like it or not. They're swerving me around people I've lost respect for. But mostly, they have me changing lanes, without care or concern to where I'm going, who I'm leaving, or what I'm deserting.

Hidden Track

You've been askin' 
I've been drinkin' 
Thinkin about this godforsaken life I lead 
It's a memory, I made it be 
My lips went white, my spine teased tight 
I realized it was gonna be a long night 
Buttons prove to be sexier in moments like these 
Sexier in moments like these 
This is love, and this is lust 
I made it to be the best 
And if I were to be the best, maybe you would trust 
This is love, and this is lust 
Which one do I trust?

-Hidden Track by: Cute Is What We Aim For

Prop 8

So tonight on the way to Pinkberry from BJ's with Chloe, Genevieve, and Alex, we happened to see a prop 8 street rally. Alex yelled at the the Vote Yes people of course, and then we saw the Vote No corner, and decided we should join. So after we snagged some delicious frozen yogurt, we jumped in the car and drove down to the corner of Edison and Pipeline, blasting Kylie Minogue the whole time. We jump out, get to the vote no corner and are warmly welcomed by the 5 or 6 people on that corner. Now there are 4 corners, 3 of which are occupied by vote no (wooo!), and one with vote yes(boo!). The people introduce themselves and hand us some signs. So we're yelling and bouncing around with our signs, getting honks from cars, whether they be for it or not. Chloe manages to get into a couple arguments, and of course blows the people out of the water, because she's Mama Chloe and she can do that. Genevieve, Alex, and I are all yelling and laughing at each other and Chloe, and having a blast. Taylor, Alex(different one), and Justin show up with glow sticks, and great sarcasm for the cause. We're all buzzing on adrenaline and just the feeling to be out in the world doing something big for people, so we're all laughing and jumping and screaming. Needless to say; GREAT NIGHT. I'm still pumped and it's 3 hours after the fact.--

I just don't get how people can be so ignorant and intolerant. We're all human, there's no need for unequal rights. Ever read the first sentence of the Constitution? They either haven't, or just like to disregard what they've read. Yes marriage is TRADITIONALLY between a man and a woman. Yes, our country is one very much involved with tradition, but once in a while, tradition's going to have to break for things to work out. It's going back to the American Dream (dear lord, save me), and the dream of Utopian society. Perfection was goal. And so is this what we're going for now? Who says that gay marriage is going to ruin perfection. Is it a flaw? Are gay people flaws in the world? I don't think so; they're just as human as everyone else. Love is love; if it happens to be between two people of the same sex, then so be it. They deserve the same rights everyone else does, even if they're not the "traditional family". Discrimination against them is totally uncalled for and unnecessary. But that's how our society works it seems. There always has to be a group that is inferior to the rest of the population. Why? Is that what's to be done to feel powerful and superior? It's just plain stupid. We're all the same. Sometimes it's skin color. Put us all in black and white; it's all just different shades of gray. Sometimes it's religion. Put us all in one religious place for lack of a more mutual word; we all worship a common something. Sometimes it's sexual orientation. Put us all in a city, a state, a country; we all love a person, whether they be woman or man. So what's the huge deal. You're not being harmed. Society is not being harmed. No one is being harmed from someone loving someone of the same sex. It's stupid discrimination that shouldn't even be happening. I know there's so many more things that go into consideration about Prop 8 that I may not be covering. But when it really comes down to it, it's all based here, with constitutional rights, equality, and the difference of ideas. 

Vote No on Prop 8.

Malignant Neoplasm

I desperately want my Livestrong band back since it snapped. I feel completely naked without it. This little yellow rubber band represents so many people; my grandfather, my great aunt, my great uncle, his sister, anyone who battled or is battling the disease. It's not just a bracelet. It's a symbol. Memories of people hang on my wrist. I keep them close. It's my nonchalant way of making a statement I guess. From an outside perspective, it's a bracelet in support of a foundation. From an inside perspective, it's that and so much more.

Suspension (old)

come a little closer baby, 

I’m not gonna make this a mime,

bright lights and saying maybe,

arent gonna work this time,

I can’t explain my talking,

I’m going out of my mind,

but for you I keep on walking,

I hope this test isn’t timed...

I can feel the suspension in the night,

I can’t see whats wrong, 

or what should be right,

I’m just singing this song and hoping you find something in it tonight,

so let’s go love, 

let’s leave this town

there’s nothing to do, 

there’s no one around,

and I’m just hoping that you’ll find me here

Regrettable Similes[old and invalid]

I should’ve thought of you

I was selfish, I can’t believe what i did

I’m regretting it now, all too late

knowing I’m all but a bittersweet memory

a regrettable simile to what could’ve been

I can’t stand knowing what i’ve done to you

and the salt from my tears is a burning reminder of where we’ve been

so just let me go, into my world of no reality

let me pretend it didn’t happen

and hold me again,

just hold me again

take me in your arms because there’s no where I’d rather be

serving as that bittersweet memory

and now all I can do is wait

watch you go along with a separate fate 

dreaming of you isn’t enough to save me from the ghosts that haunt me now

I keep rereading the words you wrote in notes intended for a future

and rethinking the memories like fallen snowflakes; all one of a kind 

my foolish mistakes and all you did for me 

and all I didn’t do for you

I don’t regret much, but if tomorrow was my dying day

you would be first on the list in all caps

because I was dumb enough to let something so amazing slip through my fingers like burning grains of timeless sand

I Thought It Could Last Forever

It has done exactly the opposite. We were so close. He was who knew me inside and out; who could tell me what I was thinking when I was lost. He was my best friend above and beyond all other things. It's weird using the word "was", because I've always used "is". It just doesn't feel like it "is" anymore. We don't talk, I don't know what's going on in his life anymore, nor does he know what's going on in mine. I guess it's what happens though. Things you love fall apart; distance themselves in time, right in front of your face. I take it as a lesson. A lesson to show that some things that seem great at times, aren't always that way. To show that you have to contribute more than you think you're capable of to keep things alive. To show that some people distance themselves for good reasons, even though at the time it might seem ridiculous and horrible. I'm taking this. Letting myself bleed, and letting someone into my life for the sake of renewal. I'd love to have what we had back, but I'm just doubting that it will ever happen. Too much has happened between what it used to be, and what it is now, that I don't know how to make that transition, or even if I honestly could. So for now, I'm just part of what used to be, and so is he. I can't wrap my mind around it yet, but I'll eventually accept it. 

In other news. I'm feeling lost again. Discontent. Quiet. 

Retrospect

Let's look backwards and try not to trip over our own feet.
Let's continue but pause on a heartbeat.

And so when the sky darkens and you're standing alone..

You've jumped into that box you keep the world in. And more than anything, you like it there. You fit in with the world. Because the world is you. But do you know yourself? Who are you? Are you really alone? Is the darkness just an absence of light, or is it the light, where light is dark? What hue are you in the world? Where's your place in the painting? Why are you asking these questions? You thought you fit in, you thought you liked it there, you thought the world was you.

LIFE: Answer or Question?

One Moment at a Time, With Nothing But Your Eyes, You Make Me Scream..

Paintings, drawings, mediums. I'll keep adding from time to time. :]

draft for Alex's painting

water balloon project-sorta failed ha.

The Umbrella Academy Apocalypse Suite Cover

Bridges Burnt, Seas To Swim

Burning bridges is not the equivalent of running away. Burning a bridge is standing at the end of it, taking a burning match, and setting the whole thing on fire, rope by rope, plank by plank. Burning bridges is doing that, and then coming back a day later and seeing the destruction you brought, the mending that that bridge needs, and realizing that you have no way back to the other side, which is all because of you and your match. Burning bridges is self destruction.

I Don't Want To Be Here For Thanksgiving

'Cause I want to be in Fresno, running in the cross country state meet! We had our first meet today; Laguna Hills Invitational. I didn't do as well as I would've liked, but still PRed by a heckuvah lot since last year. All the girls did AWESOME, and so did the guys. I'm so pumped for this season; it's going to be amazing. Bergmann's being a adlsfas lately though. It's his man period. :/ Yikes! aha.

In other news....I think I've found myself again. I kinda lost it for a while, but I'm back to being sure of who I am, and not caring what people think about it, because I'm happy. It reassures me greatly; it was desperately needed. But in the process, I got myself into a huge mess. So the fixing of that will be going on starting ASAP. Hopefully I can get things figured out.

"Behind closed doors, I can see a world that can't see me..."

NeverYourBiggestFan

I haven't blogged about anything on here for a while. So today I will. 

Let me just say that AP work is burdening my life. But that's my fault because I used my oh-so-wonderful procrastination skills and waited until a couple days ago to actually start it. So consequentially, I stayed up until 4:30 AM last night/morning with Nicole (who isn't as bad as me in the procrastination department, but still pretty bad..). I plan on working on it all day today, and tomorrow until I get to taste the sweet freedom of dinner and shoe shopping with my twin. I'm pretty sure I'll get close to finishing what I need to do, at least in UShistory. I'm focusing most of my "energy" on American Dream and Albion's Seed, considering that they are due first. So once I finish with them, it's on to Amusing Ourselves to Death and Billy Budd. Shoot me. 

I love Nevershoutnever! and Christofer Drew. The music is great for one, and Christofer's purpose and influence behind it is inspiring; peace and love to put it simply. We need more people like him in this world. I have his new demo up on my profile; yourbiggestfan. It's pretty amazing.

I watched Barack Obama accept the Democratic nomination last night. He is a great speaker for one, and he came out aggressive, which was pretty cool to see. He was calling out McCain and Bush and all that; I was like daaaaaaang for lack of a better word. I like his ideas, and where he stands on the war and who we all are: Americans. He stated that yes, he may be a democrat and someone else may be a republican but we are all united in patriotism.

"But what I will not do is suggest that the Senator takes his positions for political purposes. Because one of the things that we have to change in our politics is the idea that people cannot disagree without challenging each other’s character and patriotism.

The times are too serious, the stakes are too high for this same partisan playbook. So let us agree that patriotism has no party. I love this country, and so do you, and so does John McCain. The men and women who serve in our battlefields may be Democrats and Republicans and Independents, but they have fought together and bled together and some died together under the same proud flag. They have not served a Red America or a Blue America – they have served the United States of America.

So I’ve got news for you, John McCain. We all put our country first." 

He stated his humble beginnings, which showed belief and hard work coming through to acheive exactly what he wanted, even through his life struggles; The American Dream. (MY AP WORK IS LINKING WITH LIFE!) He called out John McCain big time on the grounds of the war in Iraq:

"For while Senator McCain was turning his sights to Iraq just days after 9/11, I stood up and opposed this war, knowing that it would distract us from the real threats we face. When John McCain said we could just “muddle through” in Afghanistan, I argued for more resources and more troops to finish the fight against the terrorists who actually attacked us on 9/11, and made clear that we must take out Osama bin Laden and his lieutenants if we have them in our sights. John McCain likes to say that he’ll follow bin Laden to the Gates of Hell – but he won’t even go to the cave where he lives."

(This is when I said 'daaaang'). Obama is striving for change, which is what I really think our country needs. He was really straight forward about everything, and recognized the two party's differences and disagreements, but stated a common ground for all arguments.

"We may not agree on abortion, but surely we can agree on reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies in this country. The reality of gun ownership may be different for hunters in rural Ohio than for those plagued by gang-violence in Cleveland, but don’t tell me we can’t uphold the Second Amendment while keeping AK-47s out of the hands of criminals. I know there are differences on same-sex marriage, but surely we can agree that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters deserve to visit the person they love in the hospital and to live lives free of discrimination. Passions fly on immigration, but I don’t know anyone who benefits when a mother is separated from her infant child or an employer undercuts American wages by hiring illegal workers. This too is part of America’s promise – the promise of a democracy where we can find the strength and grace to bridge divides and unite in common effort."

 Overall, I was impressed by his speaking abilities and everything he said. He quoted Martin Luther King Jr. at the end of his speech:

"'We cannot walk alone,' the preacher cried. 'And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back.'

"America, we cannot turn back. Not with so much work to be done. Not with so many children to educate, and so many veterans to care for. Not with an economy to fix and cities to rebuild and farms to save. Not with so many families to protect and so many lives to mend. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future. Let us keep that promise – that American promise – and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the hope that we confess."

I think this is the first time I've really tuned into a presidential election; I feel grown up! Haha. Now it's time for more AP work; NOT my American Dream. 

"..So I keep the world in a box next to me, black as night, just waiting for some sort of sun to rise, because I don't want to face the ends of beginnings and the beginnings of ends.."

-lyrics in progress--Jenna 

Writing My Way Out

Mammoth cross country camp starts tomorrow to my excitement! I'm so ready to get out of this town. It's going to be a week of "rebooting" to say the least. I need a total break from some things at home, cough, Mom, cough. It's the same thing with her all the damn time. It sucks though. She asked me if I was feeling depressed lately today. I guess I give off some sucky vibes. 

I haven't had much to write in the past few days. I'm coming back to who I am though, almost. It's almost like I'm scared to even think about it though; I'm scared of having a "relapse" per say. It's all life though, the ebbing and flowing without conscious realizations of who or what it's effecting. But really, if such things didn't happen, life would be pretty deadbeat; too predictable, like living the same day, everyday. I try to stay as optimistic as I can through it all though; I figure there's got to be a good side to most everything. 

On another note, I've realized that words come easily to me through writing. I can't necessarily speak them without stumbling over a word or punctuation mark, but I can write like it's as natural as breathing. Thoughts and ideas come to me out of no where, and I just write them down, whether it be on a napkin, in my phone, or on paper. Creative lyrics a lot of the time, or whatever I'm writing on this blog. I'll throw in lyrics I come up with as I go from time to time. 

It's 11:11pm, make a wish! Haha. I need to finish packing and catch some ZZZZZs. I'll update when I have access to internet in about a week. 

"Fingers dance on the keyboard in cirlces, waiting for a ghost melody to appear by chance.." 

Breaking Dawn and Breaking Waves

Got the last book of the Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer! I just started reading it at around 8:30-8:45ish and I'm already on page 137. It's funny how books can just pull you in like that. 

The Cross Country beach trip was yesterday, and I'm completely exhausted. 12 miles at 7am, then a full day at the beach, coming home at 11. It was one of the best days I've had this summer though. I can honestly say that I think that 50% of the reason I keep running like I do is because of the people on the team. It's like having a huge family who will back you up for anything; I love them all. 

I've concluded that I think way too much. I overanalyze everything which makes my life so much more difficult. I need to get back to who I am soon so I can think straight. Life is like the ocean, consistent with waves and tides; pulling and pushing, but at the same time, an unexpected force to be reckoned with, something as unpredictable as it can get. One minute you're standing on the sand, and the next you're decked, rolling in uncontrollable vertexes with the wave that just came at you from behind. I'm in a nonstop roll. 

The Infamous Time Sucking Mural

I mentioned the mural I was drawing on the last post. Well it's finally finished! Took long enough, but the time taken was totally worth it. It looks pretty awesome. So I took pictures of the steps in the process; rough sketch, freehand paper-on-wall drawing(&graphite paper for tracing onto the wall), the painting process, and the finished product. 

This is the rough sketch, drawn by me while brainstorming for wall ideas with Nicole

 This is the freehand paper-on-wall drawing, which was traced onto the wall with the help of graphite paper.

The long, long, painting process, which included brush switches and making tones of purple and gray from scratch.  

I don't have a picture of the finished product yet, but I will soon. I will add it when I upload next.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks

So I happened to be walking to Nicole's today when the earthquake struck! It felt like an elephant body slammed the ground when I took a step forward, which took me off guard in the first place, and then I saw cars shaking and so I started walking faster down to Aqueduct where people where coming out of their houses. A couple of them asked me if I was okay after their frenzies of "WOW! That was a big one!". So I got to Nicole's without harm, thank goodness. Chino Hills was on the news for once in forever! We do exist thank you! Haha. So things settled down; I finished drawing my mural on Nic's wall (pictures soon to come), and we watched Father of the Bride, Franck being the main focus; but of course a little aftershock had to come and bring back the realization of life with faults. 

Tectonic plate type faults, or flaws of sorts in a person?  A crack in the ground, or a crack in a personality. A physical jolt, or emotional damage. 

Wandering Aimlessly

I'm questioning myself. Why? I have no idea. I'm questioning things I always thought were staples in my life; how I fit in, who I fit in with, who I really am as a person, among other things. Who do people think I am as compared to who I think I am? Is this where I figure out myself? What the outcome of all these questions could be who I turn out to be. But could who I am now be who I will be still, or could it be just the opposite? These questions could be potentially pointless, but going in the other direction, they could be vital for my future.  So right now, I'm wandering aimlessly down the road to who I am, who I was, or who I could be. 

Even writing this, I question how well my friends know me, or how well I've let them know me. I don't think any of them would expect me to write anything close to all of this. But maybe that IS part of who I am; someone else on the inside. I feel misunderstood, and alone in some ways because of the fact that I don't let anyone see this part of me. The topic of me separating myself from a certain group of friends came up in the past couple of days, and it shocked me. I didn't, and still don't quite see it. I've heard comments on how I've changed, and I have not noticed much difference, but as I continue to question things about myself, I'm finding some things that may have turned in a different direction. For the better or for the worse is yet to be seen, and i continue to wander aimlessly down this path lined with questions and friends, waiting to be either taken to a higher level, or to be put down and left with old footprints.