Marked

With the Scarlet Letter.

My eyes burn from looking at the pages for SO LONG.

But I figured that if I take 3 minutes per page for 203 pages(that's all of them, I've done more), it will take me 10 hours and 6 minutes to complete this abomination of a book. (Well it's actually pretty good. Better than Billy Budd in EVERY respect). So I'm planning on doing 5-6 hours today, and then 4-5 hours tomorrow. 

I shall prevail. 

shootme.

Not Using "You" in General

I could give you EVERY reason in the world to hate me. I could be the most horrible person I possibly could manage to be to you. And you would STILL be head over heels for me. 

I could say I'm sorry. But I'd rather not. I'd rather say that what's happening is better for both of us. Don't keep reaching for me; don't put anything in your life on hold because you're waiting for me. I'm running, and I'm going to be long gone. I'm already on my way there. I'm not coming back, and I don't want to be followed. I didn't want to burn any bridges this time. I still don't want to burn any, just for the sake of not starting a fire. But you don't get it. No matter how many times I say it, no matter how much I emphasize it, you do not get it. You might argue it. Some of your and my friends may argue it. Argue away. It's hurting you, it's hurting me, and it's doing no good in our friendship. 

I didn't open the box. I didn't open it because you were inside and I don't want to face you. I didn't open it because I would have cried, and I would really rather not. But mostly, I didn't open the box because I am scared of what's going to happen to our friendship. I know that leaving you there probably didn't do much good either, but for me and the sake of my self-control, it was the lesser of the two evils. I do need to talk to you. But the pressure's been mounting and I don't want to explode. 

I know this is hard. It's just as hard for me. You might say heck no it's not, but you're not standing where I am are you? I need to be able to move, and be able to breath. Or else things aren't going to go anywhere. 

There's no denying. Things are going to get worse before they get better.

"It reaches in and tears your flesh apart As ice cold hands rip into your heart"-Skylines and Turnstiles; MCR

Erase and Restart

Semester ended today. Finals weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. I'm not happy with myself though. My grades are going to suck. My parents will be disappointed and that's worse than getting in trouble. 

But the positive is that I get a new semester, a clean slate, and another chance to prove to myself and others that I'm capable of getting good grades and using good work habits. Time to break expectations.

I'll have a new room soon, which may not seem big, but it's a complete organization process and a good change that I need. 

Time for bad news: I suffer from panic attacks//anxiety. Greaaaat. Explains a lot.

I just got back from HB with some of the most awesome people I know. Lots of fun. Lots of laughing. Lots of fire. Lots of food. It was a good way to start the weekend. Which is another 3 day weekend, hoo rah for student free days.

Time for a Fresh Start

I'm surrounding myself with new things. 

New semester which I'll do well in, unlike this one which I walked lazily through.

New room, which means new organization and new perspective of where I live.

New President, which means new policies, new hope, new things to believe in. 

New attitude. Optimism will conquer. Pessimism will take a back seat.

But I'd like to keep some of the old.

Old Friends. The Best ones.

Dare

I'm keeping my eyes straight ahead.

Dare me to turn them.

Favorite Furniture

Are you scared to move me? Are you scared to let go? I was scared as hell, but I did it because I knew it couldn't ever be the same. And it isn't in the least. So why am I still there? Am I just a piece of furniture that you like to keep around to remember? Or is it the fear? I moved you out and away so I could deal with what was going on. That's how I got through. 

I'm not saying it's a bad thing that I'm still there; you're just not there for me.

"So Pull the Trigger

It never gets closer

You want to start over

But never start over"

ISO

Drench Myself in Gasoline

Let's set this place on Fire.

Give me what I need, Give me some fuel to drown myself in

Let me drench myself in gasoline

SET ME ON FIRE

Get me a match

SET ME ON FIRE

Keep it burning until I run out of light

SET ME ON FIRE

Set my World on Fire

I'm tired of these cold gray days

I'm sick of sitting in the rain

Set me on Fire

Set my World in Flames

Give me something to Control

and Something to Regain

Burn Down this outer wall

Desolate and Battered

Give me something to Rebuild

Burn down what Really Matters

Turn it all Black

And give it space to Grow

I promise the World won't be the same

Just give me Time to face it

I'll hide my face and stand alone

I'm here but I'm not at home

Give me Time

Give me Space

Give me Flames to interlace.