Malignant Neoplasm

I desperately want my Livestrong band back since it snapped. I feel completely naked without it. This little yellow rubber band represents so many people; my grandfather, my great aunt, my great uncle, his sister, anyone who battled or is battling the disease. It's not just a bracelet. It's a symbol. Memories of people hang on my wrist. I keep them close. It's my nonchalant way of making a statement I guess. From an outside perspective, it's a bracelet in support of a foundation. From an inside perspective, it's that and so much more.

Suspension (old)

come a little closer baby, 

I’m not gonna make this a mime,

bright lights and saying maybe,

arent gonna work this time,

I can’t explain my talking,

I’m going out of my mind,

but for you I keep on walking,

I hope this test isn’t timed...

I can feel the suspension in the night,

I can’t see whats wrong, 

or what should be right,

I’m just singing this song and hoping you find something in it tonight,

so let’s go love, 

let’s leave this town

there’s nothing to do, 

there’s no one around,

and I’m just hoping that you’ll find me here

Regrettable Similes[old and invalid]

I should’ve thought of you

I was selfish, I can’t believe what i did

I’m regretting it now, all too late

knowing I’m all but a bittersweet memory

a regrettable simile to what could’ve been

I can’t stand knowing what i’ve done to you

and the salt from my tears is a burning reminder of where we’ve been

so just let me go, into my world of no reality

let me pretend it didn’t happen

and hold me again,

just hold me again

take me in your arms because there’s no where I’d rather be

serving as that bittersweet memory

and now all I can do is wait

watch you go along with a separate fate 

dreaming of you isn’t enough to save me from the ghosts that haunt me now

I keep rereading the words you wrote in notes intended for a future

and rethinking the memories like fallen snowflakes; all one of a kind 

my foolish mistakes and all you did for me 

and all I didn’t do for you

I don’t regret much, but if tomorrow was my dying day

you would be first on the list in all caps

because I was dumb enough to let something so amazing slip through my fingers like burning grains of timeless sand

I Thought It Could Last Forever

It has done exactly the opposite. We were so close. He was who knew me inside and out; who could tell me what I was thinking when I was lost. He was my best friend above and beyond all other things. It's weird using the word "was", because I've always used "is". It just doesn't feel like it "is" anymore. We don't talk, I don't know what's going on in his life anymore, nor does he know what's going on in mine. I guess it's what happens though. Things you love fall apart; distance themselves in time, right in front of your face. I take it as a lesson. A lesson to show that some things that seem great at times, aren't always that way. To show that you have to contribute more than you think you're capable of to keep things alive. To show that some people distance themselves for good reasons, even though at the time it might seem ridiculous and horrible. I'm taking this. Letting myself bleed, and letting someone into my life for the sake of renewal. I'd love to have what we had back, but I'm just doubting that it will ever happen. Too much has happened between what it used to be, and what it is now, that I don't know how to make that transition, or even if I honestly could. So for now, I'm just part of what used to be, and so is he. I can't wrap my mind around it yet, but I'll eventually accept it. 

In other news. I'm feeling lost again. Discontent. Quiet. 

Retrospect

Let's look backwards and try not to trip over our own feet.
Let's continue but pause on a heartbeat.

And so when the sky darkens and you're standing alone..

You've jumped into that box you keep the world in. And more than anything, you like it there. You fit in with the world. Because the world is you. But do you know yourself? Who are you? Are you really alone? Is the darkness just an absence of light, or is it the light, where light is dark? What hue are you in the world? Where's your place in the painting? Why are you asking these questions? You thought you fit in, you thought you liked it there, you thought the world was you.

LIFE: Answer or Question?