Etymology

I should be writing my etymology essay on the word narcotic. Screw it.

I should be concentrating. Not happening.

I shouldn't be writing this. I don't care.

But I'll finish what I've started. Because I can't go back.

I'm scared. Scared of what I'd say and how I'd feel afterwards. Afraid of a friendship that means so much in danger. Horrified of how to go about things. Fearful of the consequences, frightened of the result. 

It's like being scared of the dark. Not knowing what's around. Clumsily looking for something sturdy. Avoiding things that could strike fear in any way.

Or maybe it's like being scared of death. Not knowing what is going to happen. Having no proven idea of how things work out. Things can go straight to heaven, or straight to hell. It's all how you went about something. In death's case, it's life.

But this is only a part of life. So what are the consequences? Are they worth it? Or can I do something to save a friendship I hold close.

Copy Machines and Hiding My Face

Monochromatic and belligerent in ways

Jumping off Mind-Built bridges

Hitting the ice cold water below

and wishing the jump had never been conceived 

Hitting rock bottom for the chance to swim upward

To break expectations

For a challenge, for a pursuit of something more

Moronic right?

Maybe so, but worth while for the conqueror 

For the limitless spectrum of limits

Has been broken

Like the shattered glass of a mirror 

Punched with the angst of destruction

The bloody knuckles to subdue are nothing more than reminders

Scars for the audience who doubted

Consequences for the hearts overwork that resulted in dark circles under eyes

A facade is taken into consideration for purposes unknown to the outside

It is not seen 

It's felt, sensed, but nowhere near understood

Except by the wearer of the mask

Holding the reasons, the nuances behind the disguise

Pain isn't an expression wished to be seen

Sorrow isn't a feeling wanted to be expressed

Yes, the lying exterior hides these unwelcome terrors 

But the hole behind is growing wider and darker

With every attempt to stay hidden

The cover is slowly torn away

Skin is dissolved to reveal bones

Image is faded revealing depth

The sound of falling to the ground is ever present

Sleep is no longer required for nightmares to appear explicitly;

Black and satanic to every pointedly demoniacal detail.

The Reasons for Calloused Fingers

You Run and I'll Hide

I am done. 

Done with stupid drama, done with dealing with it, done with feeling bad, done with being told that I'm being harsh, done with ALL of it. 

I just want to go stand in the rain and scream. That sounds a little dramatic, but it would feel so good to just get that little bit of aggravation out. 

And it's not just the current 'K' situation. It's a lot more. 

It's my mom.

It's school.

It's a want.

It's an ongoing struggle.

It's a reach.

It's a step. 

It's my take on life.

It's an incompletion. 

It's a restraint.

It's a lot more "it's" than I am up to putting.

"They're your Last words on death row, 

What are they going to think about you now?"

--MORE lyrics in progress.

Dancing in Flames

I don't see how this is turning into something so huge. 

spreading wildfires.

Seeing you like this is hurting me.

burning me down.

It's taking me over; enveloping my thoughts.

not controlled.

I Hate it.

ruining personal property and valued things.

I just don't know anymore.

Theme

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

Do You Collect the Souls You've Lost in the Top of Your Dresser Drawer?

I don't sleep enough. I came home and immediately took a nap today until I was rudely awakened for an ortho appointment. Stupid braces. Haha.

I think it may have a connection with my dreadful work habits. I am a professional procrastinator. I'm pretty sure of it. I should really ground myself from the computer and my phone until all my homework and everything I need to get done is completed. And even as I say this, I doubt that I will. Not good. I really need to shape up.

I'm feeling a little better. 

I'm feeling inspired to draw. I'm not sure what yet. But I'll probably start tonight. 

Because I don't sleep. Aha.

I'm going to start uploading more drawings to this, hopefully soon. Maybe some paintings too. I plan on getting some canvases and paints and just letting myself be creative with them. Maybe soon after my room is re-done. I'll have a "studio" haha. I can't wait though.

I also can't wait until December 13th. Magic Mountain time! I plan on riding ALL of the rollercoasters. Hah I wish. 

Tomorrow is Friday, thank the lord. I've never appreciated weekends so much. 

I'm rambling. Time to go draw.

Countdown to Christmas: 21 days :]

I Use the Word 'You' in General

I smile for you. I can't let you see me unhappy. Because if I'm not happy, I'm not Jenna. That's what it comes across as. Well dang it, I'm not happy, and I'm not putting on any more facades so you can feel comfortable. 

I just need someone new and understanding to talk to. A new perspective. Fresh personality. That may be asking for a lot, but if a miracle happens by chance, bring it on. Maybe you can make me smile. 

A real smile.

Space

Look up at the moon and see

you're looking at the same thing as me

I can't get out of this locked gaze

no, not just with the moon

but with you.

Indirectly you dissect me

with every word you write

not on paper

but in the cold air of the night

And although the pain is riddling my bones

I can't stop following you for I know you're right

Picking Up My Head

Just to get struck by lightning.

I'm disconnecting. Again. So is this what comes with figuring out who I am? This better as hell be worth it.

"And it all comes down to a shootout between your mind and me,

You keep your thoughts in the barrel of the gun and shoot me down with them when you're done.."--lyrics in progress.

P.S. I have a lot of lyrics in progress. 

        I should finish them aha.

Fog

It was a good thing this Saturday at the cross country state meet in Fresno. It kept me breathing and cool. It let me pass people and prove myself. To break expectations. 

And now, I can't see through the fog that surrounds me. It's not letting me breathe. It's not letting me prove myself or break expectations. It's keeping me from moving forward or even backwards. 

I can't get out. I need someone to blow away the fog. I have no idea who. I have no idea how. But I can't deal with much more of this. I'm falling faster and faster. I still can't see the ground. But it's coming; rocks and all. I need a parachute.